Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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