the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
