I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
