I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He better not be in your backpack
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
