so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
