Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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