I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
