There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
