Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
