My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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