So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
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