Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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