Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
