if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
