My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
