Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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