In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
