Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
