2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
