My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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