UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
you had me at cake vodka
My liver just had a heart attack.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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