is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
