Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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