Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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