if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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