i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
