I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
