So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
