Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
The air taste purple.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
