Only a mothe r could love this liver
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
