i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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