we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
