Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
