I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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