I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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