I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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