Please, let me fuck your mom
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
