We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
