I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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