the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Randomize
