I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
