i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
