So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
