If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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