he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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