If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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