I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize
