Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
