i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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