My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
