our cab driver is having phone sex.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You're a waste of cheezeits
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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