If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
