Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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