I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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